we've got some news!

We're having another baby! We found out in September that baby number two will be here on or around May 30, Jay's birthday. To those that see me in real life, this is not news, because at five weeks pregnant (honestly, 7 days after I peed on the damn stick) this is what my belly looked like:

No lie. 5 weeks pregnant. Not that I was super flat in the tummy area after Maura was born, but a high round belly? It's like my body got a zap of the hormones and said, "Come on, let's make a giant mansion for the seedling to live in!" Since then, it's only gotten bigger. Honestly, here was me yesterday, at exactly 12 weeks:
For comparison, this was me at 19 weeks with Maura:
Two things I notice here: 1). Damn, I'm huge. 2). The long hair thing isn't working for me.

It's the same in some ways as it was with Maura: I haven't gained any weight. Actually lost a couple of pounds. OK, that's just one way. Everything else is different. It's so much harder the second time around. I was so nauseous for weeks and just beyond exhausted. I'd forgotten how that felt, although it was so much worse this time around. With the second one, you just have no time to relax. Tired when I get home from work? Too bad! Want to sleep in? Too bad! And the anxiety? Just as bad as the first time around. I had to tell work at about 10 weeks because it was getting impossible to hide, and part of me thought, "This is too soon." But I had no choice, really. And everything so far has been fine -- we've had two ultrasounds where the peach looks perfect, and we have our NT scan on Wednesday to test for Down's and other chromosomal abnormalities and I'm excited to see it again and feel that sense of relief that always comes with watching the squirming T-Rex on the screen.

Last time Jay got to come to all my appointments with me, and he hasn't been able to come to even one yet. It's just too tough to make it work with Maura. I miss that sense of newness and anticipation that came with being pregnant with your first, but I feel so much more confident as a parent now that I think the second baby will benefit greatly. And now we know what to anticipate with this pregnancy, delivery and the aftermath. There's a reasonable chance (25 - 40%) that this baby will also have IUGR, as Maura did. They are watching me closely, and if they see signs, they will take immediate action instead of having it go undetected for as long as it did with Maura. I'm also desperately hoping to avoid the post-partum depression, which totally wrecked me for a long time, so we've decided that come hell or high water (given I'll only have about 4 weeks of leave saved up), I'm taking a full, normal 12 weeks off of work for maternity leave, which is basically the whole summer. Going back at 6 weeks with Maura was not a good idea, and I think is primarily what contributed to the depression. I don't want to put myself through that torture again, but more importantly, I don't want to put Jay, Maura and this little one through it.

Overall, I'm happy to finally be feeling better (off to paint some trim!) and that this time around, we have a house of our own, a room for the baby that we can paint any color we want, a job that is stable and supportive and a healthy baby girl and a great husband. I have no doubt there will be some stumbling blocks and drama along the way this time, just like there was last time, but I just feel really lucky that I have the chance to even go through this again. Even if I'll miss the best seasons for good beer and Bailey's.

halloweenie!

Things have been busily bustling along in the Smalley household. This is my busy season for work, so I've been heavily focused there, and Jay, Maura and Miss Etta have spent their days enjoying the fall weather and adjusting to Maura's ever-changing temperament and needs. She's almost always a happy, happy baby (honestly), and is still a great nighttime sleeper (12-13 hours). Naps are becoming iffy, food is becoming iffy, and depending on the day, she's content to play with her toys and watch cartoons and other days she wants to do nothing but pull all the books off the shelf and press all the buttons on the remote and cable box and climb all over the concrete hearth and stick her fingers in Etta's food bowl. Quite the little toddler...

Her sweetest new characteristic is that she's learned to hug. If you ask for one, she'll spread out her arms and put her head on your shoulder and squeeze. Then she peeks up at you for approval, knowing she's done something great, and does it again. She's also become obsessed with my hair. In just the past few days, she has gone from her usual squirmming out of my arms when I hold her to sticking her thumb in her mouth, laying her head on my shoulder and twirling my hair. No joke, she did this for a solid hour the other night. And I've been so tired lately, this is just bliss for me.

She's was adorable at Halloween. We dressed her up as a dragon although we knew we wouldn't be taking her out trick or treating. We have a ton of kids in the neighborhood so we new we'd see a lot of them, so we passed out candy for a while and then headed to an open house to show our little dragon off. It was big fun.

Just got back last night from MD for a quick trip for a friend's baby shower. It was Maura's third or fourth time on a plane but my first without Jay to help -- he stayed home. Bless the poor souls who sat next to us on the flights -- she did great all things considered, but was so squirmmy and fussy and just overall not happy to be confined to my lap for an hour at a stretch.

It's always tough to go back there because I never really get to spend as much time with everyone as I want, and there are so many more people I would love to see and catch up with. I always question who to call or email, who to let know I'm coming down. I don't want to offend anyone, but I also don't want to seem over-eager, as many of the people I'd like to see have all moved on in their own ways, as well. I try to find peace with the fact that memories are memories forever, sometimes whether you like it or not, and I'll always hold a place for so many people I may never see again, not for lack of want, but just because that's the way life goes. So much of my life was there, and although I feel so entrenched in my life in Boston, there is so much history in Maryland that I always get a little sad when I leave. It was hard to travel alone, but I feel like Maura and I had some good bonding time, just us girls. I love her so much. And I got to spend time with everyone in my immediate family, however short, which is always wonderful. I wish I had the time to spend a whole two weeks or so down there to fit everything in.

I'll leave you with a few pics from Halloween and the trip. The girl's waking up from her nap and I've got to run.

autumn is the season before the bareness of things

but it is my favorite time of year. There isn't a feeling I like much more than sitting on a sofa wrapped in an afghan. I even wrap one around my legs in the summertime, that's how comforting I find it. And it seems to work best in the fall, of all seasons.

I could use some comfort these days. With this favorite season has come some pretty unpleasant side effects (probably not related in the least to fall, but maybe to the earlier darkness, now that I think about it.) Over the past few weeks, I have become increasingly paranoid that something bad is going to happen to Maura and me. Not like, we're going to slip down the front stairs with our arms full of groceries. We're talking maimed and murdered type of things. I refuse to even type the fears that pop into my head. Lately it has been consuming so much of my brain space that it's really stressing me out. I think it's related to a few things; allow me to psychoanalyze myself.

First, I'm alone a lot. I'm new to my house, my neighborhood. And I repeat, I'm alone a lot. When Jay's here, I do not have these thoughts with nearly the frequency. But what am I going to do if someone tries to break in and I'm here alone with Maura? I actually thought recently that I should come up with an escape plan, and have some rope ladders available to climb out windows (I am not joking). I've become unable to sleep without triple checking the doors and windows and having the phone by my bed. To keep the bedroom door open or closed has become my latest quandary -- if I leave it open, I can't fall asleep because I hear every noise. If it's shut, I won't be able to hear if someone sneaks by my room into Maura's. This should not be an issue, first and foremost because Etta has the most ferocious and scary bark of any little dog you can imagine, and she barks at the sight of ANYONE, even people she knows, coming toward and into the house.

Aside from being alone a lot, I've had two people in my life recently have their homes robbed, one in broad daylight. One was my Mom's house that I used to live in. I know it's many degrees of separation (and many states away) and that everyone is fine, but the thought that someone watched them to learn their schedule freaks the living eff out of me. Is someone doing this to me?

The third and final thing (which I think might be the biggest factor) is that there have been a lot of scary things in the news lately, a lot of random violence that scares me to death. I've always reacted strongly to the news and tried hard to avoid it, balancing the need to know what's going on in the world with my feeling that I'd be better off if I never read a paper or watched TV. I almost wanted to throw up this week, several times, when I kept hearing this story about this random murder in New Hampshire of a woman and the maiming of her 11 year old daughter by a bunch of fucked up teenagers. It's so disgusting that I actually took a break from my paranoia for a minute and thought, "I hope they get the fucking death penalty or that someone shoots them on their way to court." Ten years ago I didn't even believe in the death penalty.

I know it will pass, and it's probably a product of feeling like I don't have time with my family and that I'm going to regret it one day. But wouldn't we all? Who wouldn't rather never work another day in their life, never worry about how the bills are gonna get paid and whether the pipe is going to burst?

Who wouldn't want to look at this cutie all day long and snuggle with her for more than the hour and a half I get to so many days of the week? (OK, that's hypothetical, I know as her mother I could stare at her for days on end which is not anyone else's idea of fun.)

oh my, what a year it's been

I'm still having a hard time with it, but my baby girl is officially a year old! In my eyes, she is perfect, and the best thing that ever happened to Jay and me. I love her more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Her birthday was great -- after a morning of me falling apart, remembering every exact moment of a year prior as they played out minute by minute through the day, we had a wonderful birthday party for her, with as many of her family and friends as possible gathered around. I went all out and made a ridiculous cake:
and Jay went all out and got us a really good keg and made sure to keep it nice and cold (it was a Smalley party, after all):Maura, generally, was pleased:A few days later, we had her one year appointment with the pedi, where she presented a tiny 18.5 lbs. and 27.5 inches -- roughly the size of an 8 month old. Although we think she is perfect, and the doctor called her "charming," we were instructed to call early intervention to get her assessed and caught up on some gross motor skill milestones she's yet to reach -- namely, crawling normally (not commando style, which is her preferred mode) and standing unassisted. Clearly every child progresses at her own pace, and she was an early roller-over and sitter, and babbles (almost coherently) up a blue streak, but our normally unfazed pedi was a bit fazed this time, and we're compelled to react.

We'd get to it, but holy shit, it's been busy. Although it now seems routine, our schedule of me and Jay never seeing each other is I think the primary reason this year has flown by. That coupled with the fact that my job keeps me literally half-pulling my hair out, we are still getting settled into our house, and oh, we're trying to have another baby--it's a wonder I still remember my name at the end of the day.

The having another baby thing-- well, that's a loaded canon. I certainly don't want to blog about infertility, as there are plenty of (well, hundreds of) others who do that better. And, I'm not technically infertile, since I had a baby a year ago (well, my doctor would disagree, but I maintain that I'm not). However, we are having trouble, and while I'm certainly not the most modest or private person, it's remarkably a touchy subject, even for me.

Secondary infertility (diagnostic term, check!) is rather bizarre, because about 95% of the people I talk to just don't get it, which has caused me to pretty much shut up about it. Most of the people I've talked with, even without giving full details, just saying we'd like to have another child, tell me I should just be grateful for Maura and that she should be enough. This makes me want to jump off a bridge. Having another child has absolutely nothing, ZERO, ZILCH, to do with my feelings of gratitude toward Maura, other than that I'd be grateful to the universe if she could have a sibling. Anyone who really knows me knows that frankly, I am probably borderline obsessed with my daughter, and love her so much it's unexplainable. Let's recap: I see my daughter approximately 2 hours a day during the week, my husband even less, all so we can give her the benefit of a parent at home. We are choosing to sacrifice in this way. On the weekends, I want her to be mine, all mine, but I make sure to prioritize the time she can spend with her extended family instead, who love her so much. If I could hide away with her and Jay forever, I would. I love my daughter without a single reservation. If someone told me today that she'd live a happy full life if I died tomorrow and a miserable life if I lived to be 80, I'd choose to die tomorrow. Tell me again how I'm ungrateful?

This eats at me, bit by bit, until there are moments I really do want to wave a magic wand and transport the three of us to some hidden cave where I have nothing to do and no obligations other than watching my beautiful girl breathe and smile and sleep and scooch myself into the nook of Jay's arm and fall asleep myself. This is when I feel peace, free of the judgment and criticism of my everyday.

I really am, despite all else, so grateful for my life, for the people that love and support us and Maura. I am excited that next week we'll be going to MD to celebrate my brother's wedding. I'm excited that we've got a good plan to get us to having another child. I know we've got it so easy compared to so many others. I think maybe my openness about my life invites people to criticize it, and us, more readily. Maybe a change is in order.

I'll leave you with my favorite picture of Maura from the weekend, which shows her contentment with life better than any picture yet. We must be doing something right.

working on a birthday gift for my girl

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Life's a Beach

The best day...

and the word of the day is...

cheese. Yes, that's right. Cheese. Maura's first word. She says it in this clenched-teeth whisper that just makes you want to eat her up. She has a cheese stick for lunch most days, along with her fruit, and that's the word she's picked up on. She also says "Dada," but it's rather indiscriminate, and she says something like "eesh" when she sees something she likes, but "cheese" is clearly intentional. I could just die at how cute she is.Now that she's approaching one, a lot of people have said to me, "Wow, can you imagine your life without her?" And although I think they're just being polite for asking, I sincerely answer that, no, I couldn't. I don't want to put too much pressure on the poor kid, but Jesus H, she's the best thing in the entire world, and I would literally die without her (hey, wait, wasn't that a Milli Vanilli song??) Wow, I've said "die" twice in as many paragraphs. Lest you think I'm depressed again...

See, I smile! I need some concealer and an eyebrow wax, but otherwise, I'm doing good. Trying to adjust my attitude about work, since it will be a part of my life forever, and instead focusing on making the future what we want it to be. The house is coming together; I'm looking forward to Maura's first birthday party, my brother's wedding. I've been losing some weight. Looking forward to another baby. Trying not to dwell too much on who I was, what that felt like to be in such a different place in my life in all those past stages that make up who I am now. Honestly, I'm weary from it some days. Can't the evolution of us as people come to an end to give us some fucking peace? I think I mentioned I went through a period when I was pregnant of having vivid dreams about my past, coming to terms with who I was and decisions I'd made and people I'd had in my life. I thought at that point it would be the end of all the comparisons, all the unrest. That was naive. It comes and goes in waves, and I think it will forever.

I think it all comes back to me sometimes when I think about the fact that Jay and I spend so much time apart; he works so hard to take care of her and then works so many hours, and I just miss having normal time together. Am I going to regret this one day? Regret that we just didn't put her in daycare so we could be a normal family who sees each other more than 30 minutes a day? At the end of the day, I know it's the ultimate best decision, but I'm not sure it will ever get easier.

OK, you're as sick as I am of me waxing poetic; I get it, I am too. My babealicious is doing great, and that's what helps me sleep at night.