autumn is the season before the bareness of things

but it is my favorite time of year. There isn't a feeling I like much more than sitting on a sofa wrapped in an afghan. I even wrap one around my legs in the summertime, that's how comforting I find it. And it seems to work best in the fall, of all seasons.

I could use some comfort these days. With this favorite season has come some pretty unpleasant side effects (probably not related in the least to fall, but maybe to the earlier darkness, now that I think about it.) Over the past few weeks, I have become increasingly paranoid that something bad is going to happen to Maura and me. Not like, we're going to slip down the front stairs with our arms full of groceries. We're talking maimed and murdered type of things. I refuse to even type the fears that pop into my head. Lately it has been consuming so much of my brain space that it's really stressing me out. I think it's related to a few things; allow me to psychoanalyze myself.

First, I'm alone a lot. I'm new to my house, my neighborhood. And I repeat, I'm alone a lot. When Jay's here, I do not have these thoughts with nearly the frequency. But what am I going to do if someone tries to break in and I'm here alone with Maura? I actually thought recently that I should come up with an escape plan, and have some rope ladders available to climb out windows (I am not joking). I've become unable to sleep without triple checking the doors and windows and having the phone by my bed. To keep the bedroom door open or closed has become my latest quandary -- if I leave it open, I can't fall asleep because I hear every noise. If it's shut, I won't be able to hear if someone sneaks by my room into Maura's. This should not be an issue, first and foremost because Etta has the most ferocious and scary bark of any little dog you can imagine, and she barks at the sight of ANYONE, even people she knows, coming toward and into the house.

Aside from being alone a lot, I've had two people in my life recently have their homes robbed, one in broad daylight. One was my Mom's house that I used to live in. I know it's many degrees of separation (and many states away) and that everyone is fine, but the thought that someone watched them to learn their schedule freaks the living eff out of me. Is someone doing this to me?

The third and final thing (which I think might be the biggest factor) is that there have been a lot of scary things in the news lately, a lot of random violence that scares me to death. I've always reacted strongly to the news and tried hard to avoid it, balancing the need to know what's going on in the world with my feeling that I'd be better off if I never read a paper or watched TV. I almost wanted to throw up this week, several times, when I kept hearing this story about this random murder in New Hampshire of a woman and the maiming of her 11 year old daughter by a bunch of fucked up teenagers. It's so disgusting that I actually took a break from my paranoia for a minute and thought, "I hope they get the fucking death penalty or that someone shoots them on their way to court." Ten years ago I didn't even believe in the death penalty.

I know it will pass, and it's probably a product of feeling like I don't have time with my family and that I'm going to regret it one day. But wouldn't we all? Who wouldn't rather never work another day in their life, never worry about how the bills are gonna get paid and whether the pipe is going to burst?

Who wouldn't want to look at this cutie all day long and snuggle with her for more than the hour and a half I get to so many days of the week? (OK, that's hypothetical, I know as her mother I could stare at her for days on end which is not anyone else's idea of fun.)