and the word of the day is...

cheese. Yes, that's right. Cheese. Maura's first word. She says it in this clenched-teeth whisper that just makes you want to eat her up. She has a cheese stick for lunch most days, along with her fruit, and that's the word she's picked up on. She also says "Dada," but it's rather indiscriminate, and she says something like "eesh" when she sees something she likes, but "cheese" is clearly intentional. I could just die at how cute she is.Now that she's approaching one, a lot of people have said to me, "Wow, can you imagine your life without her?" And although I think they're just being polite for asking, I sincerely answer that, no, I couldn't. I don't want to put too much pressure on the poor kid, but Jesus H, she's the best thing in the entire world, and I would literally die without her (hey, wait, wasn't that a Milli Vanilli song??) Wow, I've said "die" twice in as many paragraphs. Lest you think I'm depressed again...

See, I smile! I need some concealer and an eyebrow wax, but otherwise, I'm doing good. Trying to adjust my attitude about work, since it will be a part of my life forever, and instead focusing on making the future what we want it to be. The house is coming together; I'm looking forward to Maura's first birthday party, my brother's wedding. I've been losing some weight. Looking forward to another baby. Trying not to dwell too much on who I was, what that felt like to be in such a different place in my life in all those past stages that make up who I am now. Honestly, I'm weary from it some days. Can't the evolution of us as people come to an end to give us some fucking peace? I think I mentioned I went through a period when I was pregnant of having vivid dreams about my past, coming to terms with who I was and decisions I'd made and people I'd had in my life. I thought at that point it would be the end of all the comparisons, all the unrest. That was naive. It comes and goes in waves, and I think it will forever.

I think it all comes back to me sometimes when I think about the fact that Jay and I spend so much time apart; he works so hard to take care of her and then works so many hours, and I just miss having normal time together. Am I going to regret this one day? Regret that we just didn't put her in daycare so we could be a normal family who sees each other more than 30 minutes a day? At the end of the day, I know it's the ultimate best decision, but I'm not sure it will ever get easier.

OK, you're as sick as I am of me waxing poetic; I get it, I am too. My babealicious is doing great, and that's what helps me sleep at night.