22 weeks

Things are going well in the Smalley household. The doldrums of winter have set in and it feels a bit like the same thing every day at this point. Maura is becoming quite independent and quite strong, and everyday I feel a mix of pride and sadness that she is growing up. She'll be 17 months tomorrow, and is almost walking on her own. She'll push every cart or toy in the house imaginable, walking everywhere into walls, and just this last week (and perfected today) she can stand on her own. I think it's a confidence issue at this point, and I give it another week until she's walking all on her own. It really is remarkable to watch her do these things that a few short months ago they said she would never do without tremendous trouble. 17 months is the top of the curve for walking, and developmentally she's always been about 6 weeks behind since she stopped growing at about 34 weeks, so really, we're right on target (or maybe that's just my justification).

The baby boy does not seem to have the same issues, at least at this point. I'm going every month for an ultrasound with the perinatologist and every month to my OB, so literally every other week he's getting poked and proded and looked at, and so far, so good. At last week's ultrasound he was measuring his usual 4 days ahead. Today at the OB, my belly was measuring almost 2 full weeks ahead, at 24 weeks as opposed to my real 22, and I gained 6 pounds this month, which although a lot, brings me even with the 8 lbs I had lost the first trimester. Hard to look at me now and believe I weighed this amount, but differently distributed, before I was even pregnant. Motivation for sure to get my ass in gear after he's born. Regardless, he's had quite a growth spurt even in the course of the week, and while it scares me a little to think about delivering a 10 lb. baby, I'll be thrilled to do it, if it means he's healthy. I look enormous, and have grown so much even over the past week. It really is bizarre to see my body grow along with him.

He's quite active, and breech, so he kicks me in the crotch all day with the occasional flailing punch in the gut. That's the feeling I miss most not being pregnant. While there's nothing like holding them in your arms, a close second is feeling that movement tucked away inside you.

It's cold here, and snowy and grey and wet, and every day I wish for at least 40 degrees so I can thaw out. I've had about enough of winter this year. No signs of spring yet, but hopefully soon.

Here's Miss Attitude and her mother, Miss Holy Hell That's a Big Belly.

holidays in pictures

As is the way around the holidays, there were tears and there was laughter, and in the end (once the tree comes down and the presents are all put away), I am reminded yet again of the real magic -- my baby girl. I would give up every holiday if it meant she would only ever know love.

a change of heart for the new year

When I first started this blog, it was a way to document my pregnancy with Maura and keep people in my life who didn't see us often up-to-date with what was happening. When she was born, I wanted to keep it up and open so that people could enjoy her and the wonderful lady she was becoming. It instead turned into a great vehicle for me to talk about my post-partum issues without fear of judgement or criticism, since I was basically writing into some vapid space. I got to write again, about things I cared about. But now, pregnant again, I'm having a change of heart.

I'm just not cut out for as much openness anymore. This time around, I'm more protective, more attuned to the need to have things of my own that only I think and feel and experience. I've always been an open person, because honestly, there's nothing new under the sun, and I've always felt like hearing the reality of other people's lives has helped me with my own. I am learning to take comfort in the fact that the people that I love know I love them, and that if anything were newsworthy in some way, I would tell them personally. And I've decided that much of my life, apart from the amazing goodness of things that happen with Maura and will happen with our next child, is not going to be shared in the same way. I see now the beauty of keeping between you and your spouse and the four walls you live in the things that are deepest in you.

Through silence and through comments, I've gotten a lot of support on here, and I appreciate that so much. It's been nice for me to imagine who might be on the other end of this, reading about me and us and putting us in their good thoughts, even if just for a moment. As I've said so many times, I'm such a lucky girl that I have this life.

I'm going to keep updating the blog weekly as I have (or as I've tried to) as a place to check-in about Maura and our son (yes! it's a boy!) and keep our family and friends up-to-date. I don't know why I feel the need to say anything more about why I won't be writing quite as personally, but I guess because I have gotten lots of great support I feel like it's the most gracious thing to do.

So, to you three readers, merry christmas and happy new year. See you on the flip side.

a very long week and a half

It started last Tuesday, with an appointment at an orthopedist for Maura. I was almost sick with worry before the appointment. It's a very long story, but the bottom line is that she has been having some challenges standing and walking and we sought out early intervention services at the advice of our pediatrician. EI evaluated her, quickly determined (a little to quickly for our taste) that she was 7 months delayed in her gross motor skills, and sent us panicked off to a brace clinic to meet with a PT about orthotics for her feet. The brace clinic recommended the orthotics, but they weren't like little cookies for your shoes like I thought they would be. They were like full-on braces that came up her above her ankle from her toes, white hard plastic things like a walking cast that they wanted her to wear for 9 months every moment she was awake. To the tune of $1500 (which thankfully we found out insurance would cover). We walked out a little stunned and skeptical. Two days later at our pediatrician, we expressed the same and sent us to this pediatric orthopedist at MGH, some big wig. After we finally made it there Tuesday after 2 hours of traffic, Maura was a mess and didn't want to cooperate but they x-rayed her legs and pelvis and found there were no skeletal issues and recommended that we give it more time until we did anything to intervene, that at not even 16 months, she was far from his estimation of delayed and that EI was basically taking us for a ride.

We were relieved, and pissed. Although it was comforting to have a specialist determine that although he could see the issues with her feet and pronation we weren't going to do the braces, we had to lug all over creation because EI essentially wanted us to sign-up for services. So right now we're just taking it day by day and I feel confident that she'll walk when she's damn well good and ready.

Then Wednesday, we had an awful snow storm, and Jay's car had been having lots of problems, starting and not starting, getting jumped and working and then not just hours later. Anyway, I took the piece of shit to work because I wanted Jay to have the good car to take Maura to yet another doctor's appointment, but he ended up not going in the snow. Needless to say, I was pissed and stressed I wouldn't even make it home from work. After a tense night, I left for work Thursday morning as usual and got a call at 10 a.m.

"Baby, don't panic, but we've been in a car accident."

I almost died. I started to panic, of course, barely hearing what he was telling me. On top of everything else, my cell phone had not been working, so I got what I could about how he and Maura were doing and then left panicked even more that they wouldn't be able to reach me on my drive home.

The ride home is a bit of a blur, but I did reach Jay and he reassured me everyone was fine. Someone ran a red light and he hit her at about 30 miles an hour, trying hard to brake and avoid her. There were witnesses, the car seat did its job and kept Maura safe, and although Jay was so ready to get out and tear into the other driver, he did the best he could to take care of Maura and be sure she was ok and not scared getting checked out by the paramedics and cops. Luckily, the cop that showed up first was a girl Jay went to high school with, who then called for my brother-in-law's best freind and our friend, who is also a cop in town. By the time I reached the area, Jay's brother had picked them up at the scene and brought them home.

It's hard to even describe the mix of relief and terror I felt when I got home and saw them both and Maura looked up at me and said "Hi!" This time last year I was severely depressed, convinced that Jay and Maura were going to die, or that I was going to die. Back then I had plans for how I was going to try to avoid that, ways I was going to negotiate with whoever was going to kill us, get them to just kill me and spare Maura. As twisted as it was, I thought I was in control of those things then because I had a plan. This was totally something I could do nothing about. And I had to trust that Jay had done what he could to protect her and take care of her. It was a very difficult day for all of us.

In the end, everyone is just fine, and there is a silver lining. The car was totaled, and we got an insurance settlement that will allow us to pay off my car and put a down payment on another. It's not an ideal time for us to buy another car, but its the best case scenario out of a really terrifying situation. And we're buying the safest car we possibly can afford. I don't care but it's having no less than 9 airbags.

After a full weekend of feeling both terrified still and very, very grateful, this week is off to a better start, and we're back to gearing up for Christmas. We got a tree. And we find out soon whether we're having a boy or girl, which we'll learn next Wednesday. I'm such a mix of nervous and anxious and excited I'm having trouble sleeping. And I keep biting my nails. And eating brownies for breakfast. And I've gotten a big stress zit. Ahh, wonderful. No really, how could it not be, despite everything else, when I look at my lady bird and pause and realize how amazing it is that I got to be the lucky one to be her mom and am lucky enough to be doing it all again?

she's perfect

That's all.

so.tired.

This will be a short post. I should put it in bullets. This is about all I can manage today.

It's not odd to be tired and pregnant, I just get more and more surprised day after day how this pregnancy has so many more exaggerated symptoms. All day today, and many days so far, I feel like I'm so short of breath that my heart is trying to will it self to pump harder and harder all the way up in my throat. And then I get even more short of breath, because my chest and throat feel so full. And the headaches are killer, and I never get headaches. Not complaining, more observing. It's all so fascinating to me, how aware of your body you become while you grow another. In your enormous belly.
So many things running through my brain these days, probably contributing to my tiredness. Always the struggle to decide if the best use of our money is for me to take off a full maternity leave. We spend so much money on so much shit we don't need and don't need to be doing, all in the name of making everyone else happy or getting a quick moment of damn, I deserve a treat and now I've got it and I feel...like shit. Not better. And time to heal and bond and frankly, get a fucking break from the work I've been doing non-stop since I was 15, should be worth it. But we could use the money to pay off bills, get our fence, fix the pipe, take a vacation. Yet all I really want, at the end of the day, is time to spend with my husband and my babies. Get my body back. Get my hair highlighted and spend a day cuddled on the beach under an umbrella with my baby. Yet it seems like a lot of time to take unpaid and is it a good use of tax money and blah, blah, blah. I'll figure it out.

I'm starting to get anxious (in a good way) for Christmas. Plus, Love Actually is On Demand from now until Christmas and I can watch it whenever I want and cry my eyes out like I usually do when I watch it. Best.Holiday.Movie.Ever.

Maura was excited, too, for a half second, when I pulled out the lights to attempt some kind of artistic photo for our Christmas cards (my other recent obsession). Then, she was out. As am I. I don't care if it's 7:30. I'm going to bed.

13 weeks or so

Happy second tri and Happy Thanksgiving!

It's been 10 days of almost non-stop appointments, for both me and for Maura. Last week I met with a perinatologist who will be following me with monthly ultrasounds for the remainder of the pregnancy to try to head off any complications related to IUGR. I learned a lot from her; namely, that there's not much you can do to reverse the IUGR once it's detected. Bed rest is shown to work only anecdotaly, and there are no medications you can give to "grow" a baby. If it happens, you almost always deliver early, and that's about the best they can do. She was concerned that I may have an underlying blood clotting disorder that may have caused the IUGR; I was tested and just today found out I don't have one, which is good news. However, that still leaves us back to square one with knowing what caused Maura's IUGR, and that knowledge would be useful in preventing it again, but I'm confident I'm in good hands and that things will work out. Antoher huge bonus is that I'll get 3D ultrasounds from now on, which is totally spooky and cool. Here's one from last week: it's kind of hard to tell, but this is a head-on shot of the baby with its hands covering its face. Can you tell?


We found out I'm measuring 4 or so days ahead (pretty significant in the prenatal world), which hopefully means the baby is thriving. They didn't adjust my due date, but may later. We get to find out the gender on December 23 -- what a great Christmas present. We may have to run out a get a little something for him or her to have for this "first" Christmas. I had another appointment today with my regular OB, and things are still looking good. Shockingly down another 3 lbs. (for a grand total of 8 lbs. down since I found out I was pregnant). Jay says it's because I'm not drinking (really, like I drank 8 lbs. worth of alcohol in the average 9 weeks? I don't think so.) I'm trying to be happy about it, as this may help prolong the stage of total bloat and ugliness that is sure to come in the next few months.

Maybe I spoke too soon -- here's a dreadful picture of me from last weekend, at 13 weeks (or almost 14). Either way, I look like a tank. I just spent two long days painting trim. Hey, at least I showered for ya.
I really, truly am bigger than I was with Maura at 20 or so weeks. Oh, well, at least at this stage I look visibly pregnant and not just fat, which was the case with Maura for a while.

She had her pedi appointment today, and at 15 months is 19.5 lbs and 29 inches, which is about the 8th percentile for weight and the 12th or so for height. She wasn't her usual charming self today, probably because she's getting so many vaccines and shots these past few times she's been there she knows what evil plans those people have in store for her. She's having some developmental delays with her gross motor skills, which we've known about and been working on for a while and anticipated since birth given her IUGR, and our pediatrician was great today giving us good advice and referrals and easing our minds a bit. She's still perfect to us and we don't want anyone to treat her differently, so we're trying to maintain a low-profile about it all.

She's still our happy girl.

Who gets into everything.

And is starting to get a bit of an attitude.

I'm trying to work on getting her out and about a bit more, into a playgroup or at least attending a library group of taking swimming lessons or something. The other downside to our current arrangement (although there are many pluses) is that by the time you factor in her two naps and Jay getting ready for work and meals and walking the dog, there's not a whole lot of chunks of time available to go anywhere besides a quick trip to the grocery store. But that means her only stimulation for the day comes from Jay and then me in the evenings, which isn't good. She's great with other babies and she needs friends and time to socialize. It will help her developmentally. Jay's not what one would call a joiner, but it's getting to the point where it has to be done. As much as we want her all to ourselves, and as easy as it is to just stay home, she's got to get out and about. It's well past time.

I hope everyone has a safe and relaxing day tomorrow. I'll check-in again next week.