When I first started this blog, it was a way to document my pregnancy with Maura and keep people in my life who didn't see us often up-to-date with what was happening. When she was born, I wanted to keep it up and open so that people could enjoy her and the wonderful lady she was becoming. It instead turned into a great vehicle for me to talk about my post-partum issues without fear of judgement or criticism, since I was basically writing into some vapid space. I got to write again, about things I cared about. But now, pregnant again, I'm having a change of heart.
I'm just not cut out for as much openness anymore. This time around, I'm more protective, more attuned to the need to have things of my own that only I think and feel and experience. I've always been an open person, because honestly, there's nothing new under the sun, and I've always felt like hearing the reality of other people's lives has helped me with my own. I am learning to take comfort in the fact that the people that I love know I love them, and that if anything were newsworthy in some way, I would tell them personally. And I've decided that much of my life, apart from the amazing goodness of things that happen with Maura and will happen with our next child, is not going to be shared in the same way. I see now the beauty of keeping between you and your spouse and the four walls you live in the things that are deepest in you.
Through silence and through comments, I've gotten a lot of support on here, and I appreciate that so much. It's been nice for me to imagine who might be on the other end of this, reading about me and us and putting us in their good thoughts, even if just for a moment. As I've said so many times, I'm such a lucky girl that I have this life.
I'm going to keep updating the blog weekly as I have (or as I've tried to) as a place to check-in about Maura and our son (yes! it's a boy!) and keep our family and friends up-to-date. I don't know why I feel the need to say anything more about why I won't be writing quite as personally, but I guess because I have gotten lots of great support I feel like it's the most gracious thing to do.
So, to you three readers, merry christmas and happy new year. See you on the flip side.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
a very long week and a half
It started last Tuesday, with an appointment at an orthopedist for Maura. I was almost sick with worry before the appointment. It's a very long story, but the bottom line is that she has been having some challenges standing and walking and we sought out early intervention services at the advice of our pediatrician. EI evaluated her, quickly determined (a little to quickly for our taste) that she was 7 months delayed in her gross motor skills, and sent us panicked off to a brace clinic to meet with a PT about orthotics for her feet. The brace clinic recommended the orthotics, but they weren't like little cookies for your shoes like I thought they would be. They were like full-on braces that came up her above her ankle from her toes, white hard plastic things like a walking cast that they wanted her to wear for 9 months every moment she was awake. To the tune of $1500 (which thankfully we found out insurance would cover). We walked out a little stunned and skeptical. Two days later at our pediatrician, we expressed the same and sent us to this pediatric orthopedist at MGH, some big wig. After we finally made it there Tuesday after 2 hours of traffic, Maura was a mess and didn't want to cooperate but they x-rayed her legs and pelvis and found there were no skeletal issues and recommended that we give it more time until we did anything to intervene, that at not even 16 months, she was far from his estimation of delayed and that EI was basically taking us for a ride.
We were relieved, and pissed. Although it was comforting to have a specialist determine that although he could see the issues with her feet and pronation we weren't going to do the braces, we had to lug all over creation because EI essentially wanted us to sign-up for services. So right now we're just taking it day by day and I feel confident that she'll walk when she's damn well good and ready.
Then Wednesday, we had an awful snow storm, and Jay's car had been having lots of problems, starting and not starting, getting jumped and working and then not just hours later. Anyway, I took the piece of shit to work because I wanted Jay to have the good car to take Maura to yet another doctor's appointment, but he ended up not going in the snow. Needless to say, I was pissed and stressed I wouldn't even make it home from work. After a tense night, I left for work Thursday morning as usual and got a call at 10 a.m.
"Baby, don't panic, but we've been in a car accident."
I almost died. I started to panic, of course, barely hearing what he was telling me. On top of everything else, my cell phone had not been working, so I got what I could about how he and Maura were doing and then left panicked even more that they wouldn't be able to reach me on my drive home.
The ride home is a bit of a blur, but I did reach Jay and he reassured me everyone was fine. Someone ran a red light and he hit her at about 30 miles an hour, trying hard to brake and avoid her. There were witnesses, the car seat did its job and kept Maura safe, and although Jay was so ready to get out and tear into the other driver, he did the best he could to take care of Maura and be sure she was ok and not scared getting checked out by the paramedics and cops. Luckily, the cop that showed up first was a girl Jay went to high school with, who then called for my brother-in-law's best freind and our friend, who is also a cop in town. By the time I reached the area, Jay's brother had picked them up at the scene and brought them home.
It's hard to even describe the mix of relief and terror I felt when I got home and saw them both and Maura looked up at me and said "Hi!" This time last year I was severely depressed, convinced that Jay and Maura were going to die, or that I was going to die. Back then I had plans for how I was going to try to avoid that, ways I was going to negotiate with whoever was going to kill us, get them to just kill me and spare Maura. As twisted as it was, I thought I was in control of those things then because I had a plan. This was totally something I could do nothing about. And I had to trust that Jay had done what he could to protect her and take care of her. It was a very difficult day for all of us.
In the end, everyone is just fine, and there is a silver lining. The car was totaled, and we got an insurance settlement that will allow us to pay off my car and put a down payment on another. It's not an ideal time for us to buy another car, but its the best case scenario out of a really terrifying situation. And we're buying the safest car we possibly can afford. I don't care but it's having no less than 9 airbags.
After a full weekend of feeling both terrified still and very, very grateful, this week is off to a better start, and we're back to gearing up for Christmas. We got a tree. And we find out soon whether we're having a boy or girl, which we'll learn next Wednesday. I'm such a mix of nervous and anxious and excited I'm having trouble sleeping. And I keep biting my nails. And eating brownies for breakfast. And I've gotten a big stress zit. Ahh, wonderful. No really, how could it not be, despite everything else, when I look at my lady bird and pause and realize how amazing it is that I got to be the lucky one to be her mom and am lucky enough to be doing it all again?
We were relieved, and pissed. Although it was comforting to have a specialist determine that although he could see the issues with her feet and pronation we weren't going to do the braces, we had to lug all over creation because EI essentially wanted us to sign-up for services. So right now we're just taking it day by day and I feel confident that she'll walk when she's damn well good and ready.
Then Wednesday, we had an awful snow storm, and Jay's car had been having lots of problems, starting and not starting, getting jumped and working and then not just hours later. Anyway, I took the piece of shit to work because I wanted Jay to have the good car to take Maura to yet another doctor's appointment, but he ended up not going in the snow. Needless to say, I was pissed and stressed I wouldn't even make it home from work. After a tense night, I left for work Thursday morning as usual and got a call at 10 a.m.
"Baby, don't panic, but we've been in a car accident."
I almost died. I started to panic, of course, barely hearing what he was telling me. On top of everything else, my cell phone had not been working, so I got what I could about how he and Maura were doing and then left panicked even more that they wouldn't be able to reach me on my drive home.
The ride home is a bit of a blur, but I did reach Jay and he reassured me everyone was fine. Someone ran a red light and he hit her at about 30 miles an hour, trying hard to brake and avoid her. There were witnesses, the car seat did its job and kept Maura safe, and although Jay was so ready to get out and tear into the other driver, he did the best he could to take care of Maura and be sure she was ok and not scared getting checked out by the paramedics and cops. Luckily, the cop that showed up first was a girl Jay went to high school with, who then called for my brother-in-law's best freind and our friend, who is also a cop in town. By the time I reached the area, Jay's brother had picked them up at the scene and brought them home.
It's hard to even describe the mix of relief and terror I felt when I got home and saw them both and Maura looked up at me and said "Hi!" This time last year I was severely depressed, convinced that Jay and Maura were going to die, or that I was going to die. Back then I had plans for how I was going to try to avoid that, ways I was going to negotiate with whoever was going to kill us, get them to just kill me and spare Maura. As twisted as it was, I thought I was in control of those things then because I had a plan. This was totally something I could do nothing about. And I had to trust that Jay had done what he could to protect her and take care of her. It was a very difficult day for all of us.
In the end, everyone is just fine, and there is a silver lining. The car was totaled, and we got an insurance settlement that will allow us to pay off my car and put a down payment on another. It's not an ideal time for us to buy another car, but its the best case scenario out of a really terrifying situation. And we're buying the safest car we possibly can afford. I don't care but it's having no less than 9 airbags.
After a full weekend of feeling both terrified still and very, very grateful, this week is off to a better start, and we're back to gearing up for Christmas. We got a tree. And we find out soon whether we're having a boy or girl, which we'll learn next Wednesday. I'm such a mix of nervous and anxious and excited I'm having trouble sleeping. And I keep biting my nails. And eating brownies for breakfast. And I've gotten a big stress zit. Ahh, wonderful. No really, how could it not be, despite everything else, when I look at my lady bird and pause and realize how amazing it is that I got to be the lucky one to be her mom and am lucky enough to be doing it all again?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
so.tired.
This will be a short post. I should put it in bullets. This is about all I can manage today.
It's not odd to be tired and pregnant, I just get more and more surprised day after day how this pregnancy has so many more exaggerated symptoms. All day today, and many days so far, I feel like I'm so short of breath that my heart is trying to will it self to pump harder and harder all the way up in my throat. And then I get even more short of breath, because my chest and throat feel so full. And the headaches are killer, and I never get headaches. Not complaining, more observing. It's all so fascinating to me, how aware of your body you become while you grow another. In your enormous belly.
So many things running through my brain these days, probably contributing to my tiredness. Always the struggle to decide if the best use of our money is for me to take off a full maternity leave. We spend so much money on so much shit we don't need and don't need to be doing, all in the name of making everyone else happy or getting a quick moment of damn, I deserve a treat and now I've got it and I feel...like shit. Not better. And time to heal and bond and frankly, get a fucking break from the work I've been doing non-stop since I was 15, should be worth it. But we could use the money to pay off bills, get our fence, fix the pipe, take a vacation. Yet all I really want, at the end of the day, is time to spend with my husband and my babies. Get my body back. Get my hair highlighted and spend a day cuddled on the beach under an umbrella with my baby. Yet it seems like a lot of time to take unpaid and is it a good use of tax money and blah, blah, blah. I'll figure it out.
I'm starting to get anxious (in a good way) for Christmas. Plus, Love Actually is On Demand from now until Christmas and I can watch it whenever I want and cry my eyes out like I usually do when I watch it. Best.Holiday.Movie.Ever.
Maura was excited, too, for a half second, when I pulled out the lights to attempt some kind of artistic photo for our Christmas cards (my other recent obsession). Then, she was out. As am I. I don't care if it's 7:30. I'm going to bed.
It's not odd to be tired and pregnant, I just get more and more surprised day after day how this pregnancy has so many more exaggerated symptoms. All day today, and many days so far, I feel like I'm so short of breath that my heart is trying to will it self to pump harder and harder all the way up in my throat. And then I get even more short of breath, because my chest and throat feel so full. And the headaches are killer, and I never get headaches. Not complaining, more observing. It's all so fascinating to me, how aware of your body you become while you grow another. In your enormous belly.
So many things running through my brain these days, probably contributing to my tiredness. Always the struggle to decide if the best use of our money is for me to take off a full maternity leave. We spend so much money on so much shit we don't need and don't need to be doing, all in the name of making everyone else happy or getting a quick moment of damn, I deserve a treat and now I've got it and I feel...like shit. Not better. And time to heal and bond and frankly, get a fucking break from the work I've been doing non-stop since I was 15, should be worth it. But we could use the money to pay off bills, get our fence, fix the pipe, take a vacation. Yet all I really want, at the end of the day, is time to spend with my husband and my babies. Get my body back. Get my hair highlighted and spend a day cuddled on the beach under an umbrella with my baby. Yet it seems like a lot of time to take unpaid and is it a good use of tax money and blah, blah, blah. I'll figure it out.I'm starting to get anxious (in a good way) for Christmas. Plus, Love Actually is On Demand from now until Christmas and I can watch it whenever I want and cry my eyes out like I usually do when I watch it. Best.Holiday.Movie.Ever.
Maura was excited, too, for a half second, when I pulled out the lights to attempt some kind of artistic photo for our Christmas cards (my other recent obsession). Then, she was out. As am I. I don't care if it's 7:30. I'm going to bed.
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