one month old!

Hard to believe, but Maura is one month old today!

It has been the ride of our lives, this first month with our girl. Some days I still can't believe it's real. She seems to have completely recovered from any problems she had when she was born. We go to the doctor next week, but according to my unofficial weigh-in, she's right at about 7 1/2 pounds. She eats, poops and pees like a champ, and she (sort of) sleeps well. She recognizes our voices, turns her head from side to side, loves playing on the activity mat, and is very alert more and more every day.

It's such a life-altering experience, being a parent. I get overwhelmed all the time; not with how tough it is, but at how much I love her and what an enormous responsibility is before us. I spent the first few days home from the hospital in constant tears. It was hard (and still is) to take it day by day, moment by moment. I would hold her and just cry, thinking that one day I was going to die and leave her. This is still my saddest thought, and always in the back of my head. It propels me to try to relish every moment with her now. I used to think I'd be worried constantly about how she would be as a teenager, how I'd be able to manage being a good parent and a good wife and a good worker, but I hardly think about those thing now. I know we'll make it through, as long as I'm lucky enough to be alive. My family is my reason for living. I am so lucky to have them.

She is generally a good girl; a little fussy and unpredictable and beautiful through it all. It's hard when we don't know why she's crying (harder still when it's 3 a.m. and we've exhausted every possibility) and she's got a cold now, which makes us feel terribly hurt and sorry for her. Jay and I have both said if we could jump into her body and feel her pain for her we would. I'm sure every parent feels this way, but the old cliche is so, so true -- nothing can prepare you for parenthood.

I'm pretty much fully recovered from childbirth, although not at all looking forward to going to work in two weeks. I have to blow dry my hair, put on make-up, iron a shirt? It all seems so trivial now. Maura has finally met almost all of her immediate family; my Mom came for a week this past week and my Dad and brothers are coming in the next two weeks. Jay's family has gotten to be around her from the beginning. She' so lucky to have so many people who love her.

I've tried to send pictures to everyone's email, but here's a few for those of you who haven't received them. She makes the best faces.