happy valentine's day!

Sorry I've been MIA lately; as you can imagine, life has been quite busy! Between work and Maura and trying to spend a few quality minutes with Jay, the few moments I do find myself with nothing to do I can't imagine doing anything else but going to bed.

Finally, I think we are settling in to all the changes that have occurred over the past year. Maura is an absolute joy. It's almost unfathomable to me some times that we have such a great girl and that we made her ourselves.Also, there's not been a whole hell of a lot to report. She's still sleeping 11 - 12 hours a night, with long 2 and 3 hour naps throughout the day. She's babbling, laughing, eating her peas, has two teeth and a third on the way. I'm even charmed by her when she's super cranky. We're just so in love. I think I'll let these Valentine's Day pictures (in her adorable dress from the Crofton Dunn's -- thank you!!!) say everything else.

a tooth! a tooth!

It's official, my girl is all growned up! Well, not quite, but she's five months old now and got her first tooth! The second one is coming up fast and not too far behind. We had a feeling it would cut soon; poor thing has been particularly cranky lately, and drooling like a garden hose. Apparently Jay and I were both earlier teethers, and apparently that predicts how our spawn will teethe. Of course, we're already paranoid it's coming in crooked. I had braces twice that never worked; Jay never had braces but wished he had. Add it to the list of things to worry about . . .

She's still sleeping SO good; so good in fact, that 12 hours of pee collects in the front of her diaper and keeps leaking out. I swear they weigh a good two pounds when we take them off her. We're going to try a few different brands to see what works better, but honestly, that's the biggest issue we're having recently. That, and also that she seems to be developing some pretty severe stranger anxiety. She's usually fine if we're within sight, but she's been so sad and crying around her grandparents and when she's come to our work places it's bordering on embarrassing. I always thought, oh, I'll have one of those kids who will go to ANYBODY and is totally adaptable. Yeah, not so much. We know we need to get her out and socialize her more; she certainly runs lots of errands and sees people at Target and the grocery store and the mall, but it may be time for some more structured play groups where she can interact more. But frankly, it's hard to motivate in the dead of winter. We'll get to it . . .

As you'll see from the pictures, she's also quite annoyed lately with the camera. She'll smile and laugh and be all silly and then the second you put a camera in front of her, she stops. It's kind of amusing to watch her stubborn little personality unfold. Jay's the first to admit he's one of the more stubborn people in the world, and she seems to be taking her lead from him.

All in all, nothing major to report other than that we have a perfect five month old!

whoops! i forgot the goods

Hmmmm...maybe I'm totally self-absorbed after all! I forgot the real goods, the Maura stats!

At Maura's four month check-up on December 29, she was 12 lbs. 12 oz. and 24 inches. She's moved up to the 24th percentile!

She continues to sleep through the night, from about 8:30 p.m to 5 or 6 a.m., sometimes longer. The key has always been swaddling her, but lately she's been breaking free of it so last night was the first night we tried without it. She went down at 8:30 p.m., and it's now 6:30 a.m. and she's just starting to stir. Success without the swaddle! Actually, the real reason we stopped swaddling her so suddenly is that yesterday she decided to perfect the back-to-belly roll, and did it like 40 times over the course of the day. We always put her down on her back, and I didn't want her to roll over all swaddled up and unable to move her arms. So, of course, the second I put her down on her back last night, she flopped right over to her belly where she's been all night. A belly sleeper like her momma! The doctor said it's fine that she belly sleeps now that she can roll over and hold her head up and such.

We also got the green light to start giving her some rice cereal, which we've done and she LOVES. She only gets like a tablespoon twice a day, but she really does seem to enjoy it. See exhibit A. We'll give it a few more weeks, then on to the good stuff like peas and bananas. Yum. Now I see why we got so many bibs. It's a messy endeavor feeding a 4 month old!


Aside from the rolling, which is so cool, Jay gets her to laugh these total belly laughs that have us both in tears. She is such a happy baby still, only cranky when she's hungry or tired. We really are lucky. Many people remind me frequently that we may not be so lucky with the next. It really has been just so much fun, and it gets better everyday.

welcome 2009

I am so fortunate at what the last year has brought me, and what the new year promises. I have an amazing husband, a loving and supportive family, a great career, a roof over my head, a dog that could lick my face until she passes out from exhaustion, and the most brilliant and beautiful daughter I could ask for. I have friends who stick by me through sweetness and stupidness. I know I am luckier and more blessed than most. Still, sometimes I struggle, and I think that's important to recognize. Because people who struggle with the life changes that motherhood brings are not naive, are not selfish, are not all the other names we get called that are accompanied by the eye roll that implies, "Well, what did you expect? Perfection? Bliss?"

I think it's no secret that since Maura was born I've struggled a bit, and it reached a head around the time of my last post, to the point where I looked my amazing husband right in the face and thought he'd be better off without me. My daughter, who I would die for, would be better off without me. After a scary few nights, I realized what was happening. This wasn't normal, I wasn't supposed to feel like I was sinking.

I called a therapist I used to see. I called my doctor. There's no shame in this. I admit it only because it's important to recognize the signs of depression and to act IMMEDIATELY. I wish a breaking point on no one. I sat here with my daughter in my arms, breathing softly, and I wept as I listened to some lovely Christmas carols I had downloaded off itunes. My favorite carol has always been "O Holy Night." I'm in no way, shape or form religious, but the sentiment of "fall on your knees, oh hear the angels voices" is one that always gets me. "Oh weary worlds rejoicing" is another. I just felt weary with myself. "Until he appeared, and our soul felt its worth." "And yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." I was so utterly moved by the idea that I finally had my daughter, the thing that made my soul feel whole, each day worth waking up to, and it was too much, too overwhelming to feel such love. Too much feeling like I didn't deserve something so great. It was beyond what I had ever touched or felt before. It truly was glorious, and I wanted to fall on my knees to rejoice in it.

Things are better now. In a few short weeks, I've come out of that place of desperation and begun to appreciate what I have. I was feeling ready to drown, and as much as that's scary to admit, I don't think it's abnormal. And I understand that it's not talked about, that it's the secret shrouded in the proud face of motherhood that we all put forth. But it was there for me, the sense that my daughter deserved better than what I could ever give her, and I'm so glad that's finally dissipating.

I'm no expert in anything, but I've experienced it all: love, loss, joy, ambivalence, and everything in between.I've made choices that I regret and think about most days of my life. I wish for her only an ounce of the heartbreak and uncertainty I've brought upon myself, but wish her tenfold the love that I feel for her, her father, my friends and family. But I am worth more than I think; my daughter can learn from me, and I can learn from her, as I do everyday. I'll never be alone again, and neither will she. Sometimes my love for her is too great to even think about.

So, I guess the bottom line is we are well. We are loved, blessed, and finally, our souls feel their true worth, because of this amazing and divine creature. Could I really have helped create something so great? Is she really part of me?

it's hard to believe

Maura's first Christmas is next week, and she'll be four months old on Sunday! While I'll never ever forget those early days with her, they seem like they happened to another person in another lifetime. Here's a peek at her now:





She is truly our joy. She rolled over for the first time last week, from front to back. She's only done it one more time after that, and I got it on video (which I tried to upload but can't figure out how). We practice a lot and she's come close a few more times. I feel like our days with a fairly immobile baby are numbered. She's got such a personality now -- so happy almost all of the time, but boy, if she's tired, you better watch it. She gets a high-pitched shriek out of that tiny mouth, and fusses like a crazy until you curl her up in your arms. It's profound how much I love her, even when she's screaming her head off. She is still sleeping thorough the night, too, which is such a blessing. She goes down by 9 p.m. and not a peep until at least 5 a.m.


She's super vocal, too, which is quite funny. I wish I could understand the stories she's telling herself that make her smile and talk the way she does. Jay even gets her to laugh, which I can't wait to see myself. She's definitely a Daddy's girl -- we had a few rough days where she didn't really want to come to me when Jay had to leave for work, and that was hard. She's definitely fussier in the evening when she's with me, but I try not to take it personally. All in all, though, we're all adjusting better with each day and it certainly is awe-inspiring to marvel at what we've created and how wonderful she is. We both say all the time that one little smile from her makes EVERYTHING better.


I've been thinking a lot (as this is what I do sometimes, to a fault) about how my fears that Maura will be taken away from me by me dying, or a plane crash, or me getting murdered, etc. stem from some deep-rooted feeling that I don't feel like I deserve to have something as wonderful as her in my life. I don't believe that "all good things must come to an end," but I do feel like I've always identified with being someone who feels like I basically deserve nothing unless I work for it. Certainly I "worked" for Maura, and my marriage to Jay is something we "work" on together, but in a very basic sense of "I'm a good person and I deserve to be sublimely happy for no other reason than I just DO" -- yeah, I don't feel that so much. But I think other people should certainly feel that way about themselves, so why don't I about my own life? I don't feel like I've screwed up royally and need to be punished by not having good things come my way effortlessly. But deep down I feel like maybe I don't deserve all this, to feel these wonderful things and to love two people as profoundly as I love Maura and Jay.


I guess ultimately it's the universe's way of bonding us to each other as parents and partners and to her as our daughter, teaching us to never take for granted a minute we have together. I feel like I would just wither and die if I didn't have them. I've never known anything quite like this. I have a lot to be thankful for this Christmas.

the cuteness continues

Sorry for the substantial lack of updates! All is well in our world. Maura is getting roll-ier and poll-ier everyday, and much to her chagrin, we've instituted a tradition of fairly frequent photo shoots to capture the cuteness. Recent highlights include:

Look at those water sausage arms!! She's doing so well. I hesitate to whisper this too loudly, but she's definitely sleeping through the night now, which is so wonderful for us. It makes Jay's job so much easier, and I have one less thing to worry about, which makes my life easier. We head to the doctor at the end of the month, but I imagine she's close to 12 lbs. now. She's finally fitting into her 3 month sized clothes (kind of) and I can tell she's growing every day. She can also hold her head up, and I think will probably be sitting on her own pretty soon. I, like every parent, think my child is advanced. Can you tell?

I'm getting a bit better about work, although most days it's still not easy. I alternate between thinking I need to just get over it and thinking that I must be losing my mind. I think, more likely, it's a little bit of both. It's no secret Ive struggled before when faced with issues about how I define myself, and it's hard for me to walk away from Jay and Maura every day and still feel like I deserve the title of mother and wife. Even though I spend every minute of my day at work clinging to memories of them, I feel like a major failure that I'm not there with them. How can I call myself a good wife and mother when instead of spending the day with my husband and daughter I go to work?

I'm sure everyone's a bit tired of my griping, so I guess the bottom line is that I'm going to buck up and realize I have it SO good; I have everything I ever wanted. And I'm lucky. And grateful.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

priceless

I am having a terrible day today missing my girl, and Jay sent this along to brighten my spirits. Clearly she's happy as a pig in shit during her Costco trip with her daddy. Isn't she the cutest?!?