it's hard to believe

Maura's first Christmas is next week, and she'll be four months old on Sunday! While I'll never ever forget those early days with her, they seem like they happened to another person in another lifetime. Here's a peek at her now:





She is truly our joy. She rolled over for the first time last week, from front to back. She's only done it one more time after that, and I got it on video (which I tried to upload but can't figure out how). We practice a lot and she's come close a few more times. I feel like our days with a fairly immobile baby are numbered. She's got such a personality now -- so happy almost all of the time, but boy, if she's tired, you better watch it. She gets a high-pitched shriek out of that tiny mouth, and fusses like a crazy until you curl her up in your arms. It's profound how much I love her, even when she's screaming her head off. She is still sleeping thorough the night, too, which is such a blessing. She goes down by 9 p.m. and not a peep until at least 5 a.m.


She's super vocal, too, which is quite funny. I wish I could understand the stories she's telling herself that make her smile and talk the way she does. Jay even gets her to laugh, which I can't wait to see myself. She's definitely a Daddy's girl -- we had a few rough days where she didn't really want to come to me when Jay had to leave for work, and that was hard. She's definitely fussier in the evening when she's with me, but I try not to take it personally. All in all, though, we're all adjusting better with each day and it certainly is awe-inspiring to marvel at what we've created and how wonderful she is. We both say all the time that one little smile from her makes EVERYTHING better.


I've been thinking a lot (as this is what I do sometimes, to a fault) about how my fears that Maura will be taken away from me by me dying, or a plane crash, or me getting murdered, etc. stem from some deep-rooted feeling that I don't feel like I deserve to have something as wonderful as her in my life. I don't believe that "all good things must come to an end," but I do feel like I've always identified with being someone who feels like I basically deserve nothing unless I work for it. Certainly I "worked" for Maura, and my marriage to Jay is something we "work" on together, but in a very basic sense of "I'm a good person and I deserve to be sublimely happy for no other reason than I just DO" -- yeah, I don't feel that so much. But I think other people should certainly feel that way about themselves, so why don't I about my own life? I don't feel like I've screwed up royally and need to be punished by not having good things come my way effortlessly. But deep down I feel like maybe I don't deserve all this, to feel these wonderful things and to love two people as profoundly as I love Maura and Jay.


I guess ultimately it's the universe's way of bonding us to each other as parents and partners and to her as our daughter, teaching us to never take for granted a minute we have together. I feel like I would just wither and die if I didn't have them. I've never known anything quite like this. I have a lot to be thankful for this Christmas.

the cuteness continues

Sorry for the substantial lack of updates! All is well in our world. Maura is getting roll-ier and poll-ier everyday, and much to her chagrin, we've instituted a tradition of fairly frequent photo shoots to capture the cuteness. Recent highlights include:

Look at those water sausage arms!! She's doing so well. I hesitate to whisper this too loudly, but she's definitely sleeping through the night now, which is so wonderful for us. It makes Jay's job so much easier, and I have one less thing to worry about, which makes my life easier. We head to the doctor at the end of the month, but I imagine she's close to 12 lbs. now. She's finally fitting into her 3 month sized clothes (kind of) and I can tell she's growing every day. She can also hold her head up, and I think will probably be sitting on her own pretty soon. I, like every parent, think my child is advanced. Can you tell?

I'm getting a bit better about work, although most days it's still not easy. I alternate between thinking I need to just get over it and thinking that I must be losing my mind. I think, more likely, it's a little bit of both. It's no secret Ive struggled before when faced with issues about how I define myself, and it's hard for me to walk away from Jay and Maura every day and still feel like I deserve the title of mother and wife. Even though I spend every minute of my day at work clinging to memories of them, I feel like a major failure that I'm not there with them. How can I call myself a good wife and mother when instead of spending the day with my husband and daughter I go to work?

I'm sure everyone's a bit tired of my griping, so I guess the bottom line is that I'm going to buck up and realize I have it SO good; I have everything I ever wanted. And I'm lucky. And grateful.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!