my beautiful girl

(Excuse the bizarre blogger lack of formatting...not sure what's happening.)

I could just eat her up I love her so much! Look at that face! Ahh! It kills me not to be with her all day, but my desk is cluttered with pictures to remind me of what I have waiting for me when I get home.

Things have gotten a bit better toward the end of this week, once I got done my big work event that kept me at work for 16 hours on Tuesday and 10 hours on Wednesday. I'm so happy it's over I can't even speak of how horrible it was to be away from her a whole day. I really am trying to black out the memory of it, and I hope she'll never remember either that I left her so long when she was so young. I know she's in good hands with Jay, and I just can't helping feeling like I missed a WHOLE DAY and how terrible it really is.

But, I've decided since everyone is adjusting fine to me being back at work EXCEPT for me, I need to buck up and get over it. I don't have energy to waste anymore on feeling guilty or sad about something I can't do anything about right now, and it would do her no justice at all if I lost my job because I was unable to perform. We'd sink, and that's just not a chance I want to or can take. For her to have a good life, I have to make enough money for us to live, and there's no way around that. One day, when she's older, I hope she can understand. And one day, when she's older, I'm finally going to write the books I've always wanted to write and will make enough money to give her whatever she needs at that time. And if what she needs is more time with me, I'll be able to give her that, too.

We have a doctor's appointment on Monday to get the official word, but she is THRIVING! I unofficially weighed her last week on the scale with me and she is at least 10 lbs., which makes us so happy and reassured. And she's eating more, and sleeping better. We're trying to get on a 10/2/6 feeding schedule, which gives us only one wake-up at night at 2 a.m. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but for the most part, she's only getting up once in the dead of the night.

Jay is the real trooper in all of this. He gets up for the middle of the night feeding, and then has to get up again at 6 when she needs to eat her breakfast. They do get to nap together afterward, but he's the most tried of the three of us. I'm learning to survive with 4 hour chunks of sleep, and even though I usually wake-up in the middle of the night when she does, it helps not to have to actually get out of bed.

I will say though the only thought I can't quite get rid of yet is the utter jealousy I feel that he gets to be home with her during the day, catching up on sleep with her in his arms. I know I have my nights with her, but her days are when she's the most awake, alert and happy. But again, that's how the dice roll right now. I'm grateful for what I've got, which is more than I ever thought possible.

lamenting

The return to work was as I expected -- dreadful. It was the hardest week I may have ever had, emotionally. I'm so conflicted -- how am I supposed to care about anything else besides my family now? Can everyone at work tell my heart's not in it? Do I look like the faker I feel like? The first day was BAD. I had to go home at lunch just to give her kisses. The second day was worse, because I now knew how bad it REALLY was. Jay had to bring her up for lunch, and I cried when they left. I knew I would miss both Jay AND Maura. What I didn't expect was how much missing them both would control my mind. During the day I'm overhwelmed with missing Maura and during the night I'm overhwelmed with missing Jay. We've basically get 5 minutes together as a family in the evenings once I get home from work before he has to rush off to work himself.

It's not yet about feeling like I'm missing some kind of milestones by being at work -- her first time rolling over and her first words are a ways off -- but I just feel like doing anything other than being with them is a total waste of time. It's hard to reconcile that I am choosing to be at work rather than be with her. But I need to cut myself some slack, I think. I'm not choosing it because its what I'd prefer, I'm choosing it because its the best way to provide for that family I love so much. I knew it would be hard, and I can't change the work situation, so I know I need to let it go. I'm really struggling though. Even though I'm well aware that I should only worry about the things I can actually change, the things I can't still make me very sad.

All in all though, the one to come out unscathed was Maura, and that's what matters the most. Jay did great with her, and although he's tired, he's adjusting well, too. It's kind of a sweet routine -- I put her down to bed around 8:30 p.m., she gets up when he gets home from work at midnight and he feeds her. She gets up again usually around 4 a.m. for another feeding that he handles, and then she's up again around 7 a.m. At the 7 a.m. feeding, he takes her out onto the sofa and they both fall asleep with her on his chest. It's heartbreakingly sweet. She loves it, he loves it, and it's nice for me to be able to get some solid sleep before a long day at work. This weekend, I got up and did the night feedings so Jay could have a break and sleep. And I got to get up with her in the morning and sleep with her on my chest. It's an exhilarating feeling, warm and cushy and magic. To feel her chest rising and falling against my chest is a feeling I know I won't get to experience forever, so I take full advantage. I even sneak her on to my chest to sleep when she should probably be put in her crib, but I don't care. I'll never get these moments back and I'm going to get them whenever I can.

The second week is off to an OK start, mainly because I had off work yesterday. We had a great weekend of visiting with my friend Amy and her baby girl and running errands and cleaning. And then Keegan came into town late Sunday night around 11 p.m. from the Buddhist monastery to visit with us and Maura. We had a wonderful day together yesterday, and I took him back to the bus station at 2 a.m. today to return to his life there. He's doing FANTASTIC, and is loving the experience. It was so good to see him, my little brother that I used to baby so much. I couldn't resist it even now that I have my own child; I had to buy him some jeans and food and offer to get him new underwear and toothbrushes. He, of course, knows how to appease me, and let me do it.

Another big work event is on the horizon, and I have to work this Saturday to prepare for it, which makes me very sad. Remember the 12 hour day I had when I was 7 months pregnant? We're trying not to repeat that.

Duty calls . . .until next time,

some new views . . .

I can't even begin to express how sad I am that I have to go back to work on Monday. Jay will be home with her during the day, and I know that's amazing and reassuring, but I can hardly imagine leaving her for a whole day. It's so terrible to think about, I can't even write about it . . .

Maura is doing AMAZING; at her doctor's appointment last Thursday she was 7 lbs. 11 oz., which makes her feel like a TANK to us. She's still only in the 10th percentile, so who knows, we may have a skinny girl on our hands (not too skinny, we like girls with meat on their bones. With me as her mother I'm still not sure how she'll get away with not having some T & A).

Dare I say it has gotten easier to care for her? She doesn't sleep much, during the day or night, and we've yet to establish a routine, but we've gotten used to it. She's feeding a bit more regularly, and finally off the special preemie formula, but sleeping is tough. She doesn't nap, and if she does on the off chance, its in the evening approaching bedtime. And at night, we're lucky to get 3 hours of solid sleep. The doctor thinks its all related to the IUGR; we may never know what parts of her failed to fully develop, so she may be a bit behind for a while in getting her systems regulated. Although when she is alert, she recognizes voices, turns her head, grabs toys, and is even trying to hold her head upright. Developmentally, she is up to speed, but her internal systems are a bit haywire. I have full confidence it will sort itself out when she's good and ready.

Last week was my first week alone with her all day and night while Jay was at work, and it took a while to get the hang of things, but I did it. I just buckled down and gave myself a pep talk and said, "Listen, I am her mother. I can do this." So we went to Target, to the mall, out to lunch, and if she had a meltdown, it just had to be and I took care of it as best I can. I do know one thing: I will never roll my eyes at another parent again. I used to see babies screaming and parents doing things with their children I always swore I wouldn't do, but now that I have one of my own, I understand that every parent does the best they can with what they have. Every parent is just trying to keep their head above water. I feel a part of that "posse" now, and feel universally bonded to other mothers in a way I never expected. I feel like I could hug every woman I see with a child and just say, "I know, I'm one of you now." I love it.

This is kind of tangential, but I've recently discovered Facebook, and while the fact that I JUST discovered it makes me pathetically behind the times, it has allowed me to connect with people I once knew (many of whom are mothers) and it totally warms my heart in an unexpected way. Women I once knew as single freewheeling chicks are all on their own journeys, many of which include children, and although the thing that once connected us is no longer there, I feel strongly that memories link me to them in strange ways, and that now that I'm officially an "adult" (as having Maura has made me feel), I can connect with these people and wish them well and have it be just that, connected with people I care about that played a huge part in my life and that I would like to see doing well themselves. I could go on forever, but I can't tell you how good it feels to reach out to the people I often think about and hear they were doing the same. As weird as it sounds, it gives me tremendous pleasure to see an old friend's face and hear they are doing well. People don't ever mean for relationships to end, or to move on from the people who were so important in their lives at one juncture, and I feel thankful that Facebook has given me a chance to reconnect and wish those people well, even if they were only in my life for what seems like the blink of an eye. Every blink is valuable to me now; my perspective has totally changed.

As you can see, I am (and feel) all over the place, mainly because I'm in awe of how she has changed my life. I value myself more, love my husband more than I thought humanly possible, and feel like I now understand what it means to put someone else's life before your own. I would die for my daughter, no matter what the circumstances. I cry with how much I love her. It's the best feeling in the world.